Meditation day 6 for key #1

Today is day 6 of my first key, I finally realised that I lost believe in Magic( volshebstvo). When I dream I say I want(xochy)... I do not have beleive that I have it in me, that I have the magic. Somewhere between my childhood and now, I lost the ability:((. But if I had it before( like in gade 1, on my way to school I always imagined how I meet my future husband, who will be English speaking. At that time it was still USSR, so where did I get that idea, I do not know. But eventually, after first broken marriage, I moved to another country and met my husband... Why can I not find in me believe that I will find the way in that small boat, why I am so afraid and looking for help anywhere but myself?